Not the marrying kind
by Pisa
Summary: Pam calls off yet another engagement and wonders if she's just not the marrying kind. New York changes Pam and marriage and Scranton are no longer on her horisont. Can their relationship survive?
1. Chapter 1

"What are you saying

"_What are you saying? Are you saying we're through?"_

"_Listen Jim…"_

"_No!__ No I'm not gonna listen to this."_

"_This isn't easy you know"_

"_If this is a joke it isn't funny"_

"_I'm so sorry Jim. It's not you, it's me"_

She heard how cliché it sounded, but it was true. It wasn't Jim. He hadn't done anything wrong. He was the same sweet guy he'd always been. There in laid the problem. He still wanted the same things. She didn't. Somewhere over the course of the summer something had shifted inside. She had changed. It had come on little by little. Her calls had become more infrequent, her e-mails shorter and shorter. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to Jim; she was just too caught up in her New York life. There was always something going on and she spent very little time home alone in her apartment.

"_Oh…come on Pam. That's the universal code for IT IS YOU"_

"_No Jim, listen…please listen. I've changed"_

"_Changed how?"_

It was a Friday in the middle of July she noticed how far away from her old life she had drifted. Jim had called her and she could hear how disappointed he sounded. He had to work and wasn't able to come to the city. She felt sad, but also strangely exited. It meant she could spend the weekend with Ethan, Marie and Jo at their apartment. She used to bring her sketch book and a toothbrush and stay overnight. They cooked dinner, drank wine, talked about art and worked on different projects. She usually experienced her most creative moments on the floor of that apartment. Marie was two years younger than her and they had bonded quickly. Jo was her 21-year-old niece and Ethan was Jo's boyfriend. They all seemed older than their actual age. Pam had been impressed and inspired by the two strong women. Jo's mother Sonia was an artist and it was easy to see how it had rubbed of on Marie and Jo. They both talked about their works as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Pam still felt self-conscious when discussing her art.

"_I don't know…maybe change isn't the best description. Maybe I've just gotten to know myself better__. Found out that there are other things out there, other things I would like to explore"_

"_And you can't do that while being with me?"_

"_It's not like that Jim. This isn't about…"_

She shook her head and she could see how utterly confused and hurt Jim was. She didn't know how to explain this to him. She wasn't sure if she fully understood it herself. She remembered the first time she'd been invited to dinner at Jo's parent's large town house. Sonia had talked passionately about art and what it meant to her. Pam had listened and been moved by the fact that she was even allowed to be there, together with these great people. Years and years of being in an environment that chipped away at her artistic soul had made her believe this world was out of reach for her. She had been invited back several times and Sonia always paid extra attention to her. She was such a vibrant and free-spirited soul and Pam felt herself blossoming in her company. Her husband was the same. He was in the art world as well, but he assured her that it was his wife who possessed the talent. They owned a gallery together and they'd already started hinting that Pam might possibly one day show her work there. Sonia had pulled her aside one evening and whispered in her ear "You mustn't let convention hold you back. To be great one must break free. A woman must always destroy in order to create. Embrace your creative powers, don't be afraid of them". Pam had gone home that night, Sonia's words ringing in her ears.

"_Then what is it like Pam? What is this?"_

How could she answer him without insulting him? Truth was that her summer had been filled with conversations and ideas that opened up a whole new world to her. The more time she spent in the city, the more it felt like home. It was so refreshing to be in a place that took her art seriously, that allowed her to explore parts of herself she barely knew where there. Jim had been supportive of course, but he didn't get art the way she did. He tried, she knew that. He sat through hour long calls where she talked about a painting she was working on, how it confused and challenged her. He never lost interest, not once, but more often than not it was a one-sided conversation. She talked, he listened and encouraged her. If she tried to exchange ideas with him, things she'd heard the others talking about, all he ever said was "ahh..that sounds good, you should do that". He was just being Jim, same old Jim. The problem wasn't him, it was her. She just wasn't same old Pam anymore. When she didn't answer he threw her another question.

"_How long?"_

"_Sorry"_

"_How long have you've been thinking about this?"_

"_I honestly don't know Jim. It's been gradual."_

"_What about the apartment we're supposed to move into next week?"_

"_I'm sorry Jim. But I think we can get our deposit back, if we just explain the situation"_

"_Explain the situation? I don't even understand the situation. What is this? Do you have a name for it?_

"_I'm sorry Jim"_

"_Stop saying that"_

He was sitting on her couch. His fingers were tightly knotted in his lap. His voice told her it hadn't really hit him yet. It had an undertone that said he would take care of this; he would make her see how wrong this was. He looked at her.

"_You said YES Pam. When I asked you three weeks ago, you said yes."_

"_I know, but I shouldn't have"_

"_What the hell happened in those three weeks that made you change your mind?"_

"_I don't know what to say Jim. I shouldn't have accepted in the first place"_

He'd come in late on a Friday afternoon at the beginning of August. She had been tired from three different projects she was working on. He was so happy to see her and she felt guilty because all she really wanted was sleep. He understood of course, rubbing her back until she fell asleep. She woke up to his lips on her shoulder. She had pretended to be asleep and stirred and moved away from him. She had heard him getting up and walking into the living room before returning shortly after. Knowing it was unusual of her to sleep in so late she slowly opened her eyes as he slipped down next to her. _"Hey there beautiful"_ His voice had been tender, but she immediately detected a hint of nervousness. "_Hi"._ He looked at her, brushing a few stray curls away from her cheek. She still loved that. _"I wanted to ask you something"._ He propped himself up on his elbow. She was facing him, but she was looking more at the wall behind him than at him. _"okay"._ She looked at him, sleep still in her eyes. _"Would you marry me Pam?"_

It had been a proposal forged by panic, he realised that. He had felt Pam slipping away for weeks and that morning he just panicked. It wasn't the right time or the right setting. He knew that. He just panicked. Pam had been distant on the phone all week and she had gone straight to bed after he arrived last night. His offer to join her had been brought on by a need to be close to her. He knew he was acting clingy and he hated it. Pam didn't like it either, he could tell. She'd grown so independent, so strong and as much as he loved her he sometimes missed the girl who looked to him for reassurance. Her face had lit up when she saw the ring. He hadn't imagined that. She had looked genuinely surprised and happy. She had said yes and he had slid the ring down on her finger. "_It's perfect Jim_". They had made love that morning and he left feeling at peace the next day. Now he stood in the middle of his living room pressing the same ring into his palm.

"_Then why did you Pam? Why did you say yes?"_

He was choking up. She begged that he wouldn't cry because her tears had been non stop for a week and she struggled hard not to cry today. She didn't know why she had accepted the proposal with such enthusiasm; she suspected it had been a life line. She had felt herself slipping away from her life in Scranton day by day. The proposal was a last attempt for their relationship to stay on course and afloat. She had waited for a proposal the entire spring and it was ironic that Jim would ask when she begun to realise that maybe marriage wasn't what she wanted. She had been happy at first; maybe acting on autopilot. They had a good weekend, but by the time he left, her feelings told her it might be a mistake. She tried her best to suppress those feelings. The next weekend she went to Scranton to look at apartments with Jim. They found a really nice one in a brand new complex. They signed a lease on the spot. She had been exited about the extra space and the light room Jim had suggested she could use as a studio. She had managed to hold on to that excitement all weekend and they'd had a great time planning what to buy and what to do with the place. It wasn't until she begun driving back to New York her true feelings bubbled up. She felt scared about being trapped in a city where artistic progress would come to a dead end. Three more weeks and she would have to leave New York for Scranton. The new apartment was lovely but she had to admit that neither Ethan, Marie or Jo would ever sign a lease on an apartment in a little place like this, and that made her feel like she was living on borrowed time. She had never in a million years thought she would feel this way, but she did. Buying time to figure it all out she turned to Jim and said.

"_Listen Jim, it doesn't have to be over. Let's just wait and see. Some time apart might be good for us."_

She could hear herself saying the words although she wasn't sure she believed them. Was there a way back for them? She didn't want to loose Jim. He was her best friend, her lover. She just didn't want to get married, and she definitely didn't want to move back to Scranton. She couldn't turn down the opportunity she had been given in New York. But she knew Jim. She knew how he would react. He would see this as rejection. She had been awake night after night trying to figure out a way to combine the two worlds, but she just couldn't. She just didn't want to get married, not at this point anyway, and she knew she couldn't marry Jim and move to Scranton just because she was afraid of loosing him. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. He looked at her and she could see that his eyes were blank.

"_Are you actually saying this? I asked you to marry me Pam. I want to star__t our life together and you…you…."_

His voice broke. There was no power within him that could hold back the flood of tears that came crashing down over him. The pain overwhelmed him as he saw the life he'd planned out for them slipping between his fingers. He could feel his legs giving away and before he knew it he was sitting on the floor, his back at her, frantically crying. He wasn't in control anymore. As afraid he was of loosing that control in front of her, he couldn't do anything.

She had never seen him like this before and it hurt so much she almost ran over and grabbed the ring out of his hand. Something held her back. She let him cry for a couple of minutes before she knelt down behind him. She slowly put her arms around him and whispered in his ear _"Shssss…it'll be alright. It'll be alright my love"._ Her words unleashed another sob and she could feel tears streaming down her own face. She wasn't sure how it had come to this. How could she have allowed for him to love her this much?

When her hands encircled him his first reaction was to push her away, but he couldn't. At that moment no one else could have proposed any comfort to him. The one person who could do this to him was also the one person he knew he could fall apart in front. His chest was hurting and he could feel himself gasping for air. His mind wanted to let it all go to hell, to stop breathing all together, but his body fought him. The emotional pain was so deep that he thought he might loose his mind. It was like the structure of his brain just broke down for a while. His past, present and future just blurred into an unrecognizable mass.


	2. Chapter 2

Pam didn't know how long she had been sitting on the floor holding Jim, but it had to have been at least an hour

Pam didn't know how long she had been sitting on the floor holding Jim, but it had to have been at least an hour. When he stopped crying, she suspected from sheer exhaustion, he had crawled up from the floor and she had followed him into his bedroom. He stopped a few feet from the bed. When he hadn't done or said anything in a minute she quietly asked.

"Are you okay Jim? Do you need me to get you anything, a glass of water maybe?"

"I think I'm gonna go to bed"

He said it like he was considering something much bigger than just whether or not to go to bed. His fists were still clenched. She grabbed hold of his hands and pulled him down on the bed. He let her. There didn't seem to be a single drop of strength left in him. He lay down and curled up his legs. His summer bleached hair was shimmering in the glare from the table lamp. He looked so completely beautiful and awful at the same time. It was horrible that she was the cause of this. She could feel her stomach turning. She ran out of the room, her hand covering her mouth. She reached the toilet and flung open the seat. She threw up until she started gagging. Surprised there were anymore tears left she could feel them on her cheeks. She turned on the faucet and splashed cold water in her face. She looked worn out. Her face was red, her eyes looked sore and her hair was a mess. She tried to put a comb through it, but it was full of knots. It didn't matter anyway. She could hear Jim stirring in the bed and she laid down the comb and went in to check on him. He had crept towards her side of the bed, his face nearly on her pillow.

"_Are you sleeping Jim?"_

"_Yes"_

She couldn't help but smile a little. He managed to be adorable even when he definitely didn't try to be. _"Come on, aren't you gonna take off some of your clothes?"_

He didn't answer, so she started unbuttoning his shirt. He let her. She did it slowly, like it was her six month old baby niece. As she lifted his arm she saw blood trailing down his hand. She slipped the shirtsleeve off before she grabbed the hand again.

"_You're bleeding Jim. Open you hand" _

He didn't, but she managed to pry one finger after the other open until his palm was revealed. The sight of his hand almost had her running to the bathroom again. She concentrated and was able to swallow her nausea, but she couldn't stop the tears.

Her engagement ring was pressed into his skin, leaving a big red wound beneath it. She had forgotten he still had the ring. She wished she hadn't given it to him. The beautiful diamond was covered in dried blood and part of the band was dug deep into the skin. It was surreal that something so small and innocent could make such an impact. The red circle in the middle of his palm made it look like someone had branded him. She forgot to breathe and for a few seconds the considered the possibility of leaving, but she knew she couldn't. She owed Jim more than that.

Her fingers were shaking as she slowly removed the ring, careful not to rip open even more skin. It came free rather easily but a few fresh drops of blood ran down his hand and landed on her skirt. She didn't bother trying to wipe it away. She placed the ring on his night table and walked to the bathroom to get a wet cloth and a band-aid. He lay completely still as she rinsed his palm and put on the band-aid. It should probably have been a bandage covering it, but they didn't have any. She would just make him promise to go to the doctor if it didn't look better in the morning. She gently kissed his palm and lay down his hand. She convinced him to sit up long enough for her to remove the rest of his shirt. He refused to look at her as she did. When she started unbuttoning his jeans he stopped her abruptly and did it himself. She turned off the lamp and was about to go sleep on the sofa when she heard his hoarse voice whispering "_Can you stay?" _

"_Of course"_

She peeled off her skirt and blouse and crept under the covers. Unsure what to do she waited for him to allow her to touch him. A few minutes went by. She could hear he wasn't sleeping, his breath was too unsteady. She was on her back. Her every muscle was contracting. She could hear him stirring a little before she felt his head on her chest. He was still curled up, most of his body away from hers. His head felt heavy on her chest and she had to take a couple of deep breaths to make sure she got enough oxygen. He noticed and lifted his head as to remove it. "No Jim, stay". He didn't say anything; just let his head fall slowly down. She put one of her arms down his back and started stroking his hair with the other one. A little later she could hear the steady sound of his breath. He was sleeping.


	3. Chapter 3

When she woke he was sitting with his back towards her, his feet on the floor

When the first rays of morning sunlight hit her face she woke. She had forgotten to close the drapes last night and now the room was too light, too early. Jim was sitting with his back to her, his feet on the floor. His t-shirt was wrinkly and it seemed to cling too loosely to his body. He had lost weight over the summer. She felt guilty about that too.

"_I'm gonna make some breakfast"_

He noticed she was awake of course. His voice revealed surprisingly little of his state of mine. His reluctance to look at her was the only thing that separated this Sunday from any other Sunday.

"ok"

He didn't turn around, he simply left the room. A few seconds later she could hear him roaming about the kitchen. His feet were slow and heavy on the parquet floor. She stretched her legs and lifted the blankets away. Her chest was warm and sweaty.

He could hear her walking to the bathroom, closing the door and turning on the shower. He could feel a physical ache at the notion that he might no longer be allowed to surprise her under the warm water. He had woken up with a sore neck and a sweaty chin, but the movement of her sleeping chest had felt safe and he had been reluctant to move. One of his hands had slipped under the hem of her singlet and begun stroking her stomach. He knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn't stop himself; her skin so soft against his fingers. He'd long since lost track of how many mornings he'd woken her like that. When he heard her quietly stirring he unwillingly sat up and pulled on a pair of jeans.

Waking up next to her warm body had made him think last night was just a nightmare. Then the band-aid had scratched against Pam's skin and it all came rushing back to him. She had come home late Friday night and barely given him a short kiss before turning inn. The next morning she had been quiet during breakfast and excused herself shortly after, claiming to have a number of errands to run. When she saw the disappointment in his eyes she promised that she would pick up dinner on her way home and they'd have the evening together. He ended up spending the day cleaning and running out buying her favourite flowers. He knew she was stressed under the Pratt workload and he wanted to give her the space she needed.

The second she walked in he knew something was wrong, really wrong. It looked like she had been crying and her whole demeanour looked clenched. He had asked her about it of course, but she had waved his request away with a silent "_Let's eat first"._ She had made fajitas. It was one of his favourites, but he could barely eat. He was loading the dishwasher when she finally said _"We need to talk"._ He understood that something relatively serious had happened. A dozen different possibilities went through his head, had someone died, was someone seriously sick or injured, was it her mother, her father, was there something at school…By the time she spoke he had run a list of scenarios covering almost anything, except what was coming. Never in his craziest, most paranoid and pessimistic moments had he thought he would hear the next words coming out of her mouth.

"_I don't want to get married"_

She said it quickly, like she did whenever she was pressured on something. At first he didn't think he heard her correctly, but then she removed her ring and put it in his hand, and he almost fainted from the shock.

The hot water felt good against her skin. She didn't want to turn it off, but she knew she had to go out there and face it all. She hoped some sleep might have done Jim good. Maybe now she could talk to him about some options. They had options after all. Just because she didn't want to come back and set a wedding date didn't mean they had to break off…Everything. Maybe she would feel alright again as soon as the pressure of a wedding and a life here in Scranton no longer posed a threat. Maybe they would be okay. Deep down she knew she didn't want to loose him. That's why this was so hard.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"_It smells great"_

She tried to keep her voice light and energetic as she entered the kitchen. He was standing over the stove, flipping pancakes. When he brought her plate over she could see that it was decorated with sliced strawberries. She could feel a lump forming in her throat. He had made this after their night together. She had been sitting at the same table, on the same chair, waiting and trying to keep a conversation going. It had been awkward, none of them knowing how to behave until she punctured the tension by blurting out "oh my God I love you" after tasting the delicious breakfast he'd made her. They'd laughed and Jim had joked and said that if all it had taken were some pancakes he'd gone about this in all the wrong ways. She smiled at the memory.

"_Yeah, I know you like them"_

He sat down and they ate in silence. Pam reached out to turn on the radio but Jim stopped her indicating that he had a headache. She felt guilty. It was strange how this almost looked like any other Sunday. Except for the no talking of course. They would usually talk. Pam would talk about her projects or her friends in the city, Jim would amuse her with anecdotes from the office. If anyone had swung by visiting that morning they'd probably never reconcile this scene with the scene that played out the night before.

His head was pounding, but the food helped. It was difficult to get it down, but he managed a couple of pancakes. He left the strawberries. Even the taste of them would remind him of things he just couldn't allow himself to remember right now. He glanced over to Pam's plate only to discover that her strawberries were gone. For some reason it filled him with a sudden anger. It was utterly inappropriate of her to just sit there, acting normal, eating strawberries and pancakes like nothing was wrong. As if she hadn't destroyed their world last night. He scoffed and looked down into his own plate again.

"What?"

"Oh….nothing…just…how are your pancakes?"

His voice was dripping with sarcasm, even more so than he had initially intended. She lifted her eyebrows looking at him with an apprehensive expression.

"They're great Jim. They're always great"

"They are aren't they. If there's anything else I can do for you, please let me know"

"Jim…please. Let's not fight"

Her voice was so tender and low, but it only made him angrier. Why wasn't she more upset? He worked very hard to control the anger and level of tone when he answered her.

"Let's not fight? Ohh…I'm sorry. Am I getting in the way of you having a nice and quiet breakfast? By all means, eat up. Enjoy!"

He stood up with such a force that he knocked over the chair. He walked into the living room, kicking the kitchen door open on his way. Pam felt new tears bursting through her sore eyes. The salt liquid felt like fire on her skin. She'd given up her contacts and she removed her glasses to pat her eyes and cheeks dry with a napkin. She knew she had to go after him, but she just didn't know how to continue the conversation. She slowly put down her fork and reluctantly stood up. He was sitting on the sofa, his head buried in his hands.

"Are you okay Jim?"

"Hmm….let's see. Am I okay? Well, the woman I love, the woman I thought I was going to marry and start a life with came home and called off our engagement last night, and then acted like nothing was wrong this morning so yeah…sure. I'm great. Never been better. A happy camper. Jolly as ever."

"okay, okay…I get it. That was a stupid thing to ask. But let's at least talk about it"

"Go ahead. You'll have to forgive me, but I haven't properly figured out how to respond to this yet.

"Okay. Then I'll go first. Maybe it'll become a bit clearer then."

"Doubtful"

She ignored his comment and went over to him. She sat down, but far enough apart that they were not touching.

"I never meant to hurt you Jim. And yeah….I know, I know…how can I say that right? But you have to believe me when I say that this change in plans, this new passion of mine, it threw me too. I always just expected to go to Pratt for three months and then come here and we'd get married and buy a house and all that, but something changed inside me Jim. And it's not that I don't love you anymore, because I do. It's just that I love who I am when I'm in New York. It's like I've been wandering around with this piece of me missing and as soon as I got there I felt complete. And I know I might not get to be an artist, I know how utterly impossible it is to "break through", but every instinct I have tells me I have to try. I have to try. It's who I've become Jim"

She caught her breath and waited for him to respond. It took a couple of minutes before he turned to her and said.

"That's great Pam. I'd never stop you from doing that. You know that right?"

"I know that Jim. I know. But it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to wait"

"Listen Pam…that's fine. That's more than fine. If you need time…."

She thought about it. Maybe that would be alright. They could just let it be for now, and she could stay in New York and they'd have time to figure everything else out.

"So you'd be okay with that? Because it would mean we'd have to keep up this long distance thing"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…if I'm in New York…and you're here"

"Why would you be in New York?"

She looked at him and it dawned on her that he hadn't understood what she was saying at all. He had no idea what it meant to actually go all in on this; she couldn't do that while living in Scranton.

"Jim…I would have to live there"

"Couldn't you work here?"

"It's more to it than that Jim. The galleries are in New York, the schools, the people, the inspiration…it's all in New York. I need that. And I can't get that here"

"Ahh….I see"

She could hear in his voice that he was hurt again. Somehow she ended up insulting Jim every time she pointed out Scranton's shortcomings. She could see him becoming angry again. It was almost unreal to see him like that. In all the years she'd known him he'd hardly raised his voice to anyone.

"So that's it? You're gonna go off and be an artist in the city and I'm left here."

"You don't have to stay you know"

"Ohh….excuse me, I don't have a gallery waiting for me to fill its walls"

"You could call Wallace and ask him about a position in New York. I don't think Ryan will be coming back"

Jim looked at her with a resigned expression on his face. "I already did". He shook his head and turned around, his head hanging to the floor.

"You did? What did he say?" She leaned in a little, wanting to place her hand on his shoulder, but she hesitated. She could see his shoulders tightening, his head lowered even further.

"He said no Pam. He said no"

Jim thought about the conversation. David had been open and straight with him as always. He said that he liked Jim and that he'd done a good job considering the whole unfortunate situation with Ryan, but that he couldn't offer him the position. Due to outstanding results in Utica he had to offer the job to Karen. Jim hadn't even thought about her as a possible contender until David mentioned her name. Shameful he had to admit he hadn't paid much attention to Karen's existence over the past year. It shouldn't have surprised him that she had done well; she was career driven and efficient. No wonder she'd succeeded as regional manager. She deserved the promotion. He knew that. Still, it felt unfair. Last year that job had been his and ever since Ryan's arrest he'd played with the thought of talking to David. He knew it was a ticket to be with Pam. And then, when he finally did, he found out Karen beat him to the punch.

"Said I didn't have the experience of regional manager"

"Ohh…but…..I don't understand. You didn't have that last year either, and Ryan definitely didn't, so…I don't understand why that would be an issue"

"Well…it is. They've found someone more qualified who quote" has shown her ability to lead and achieve outstanding results in her sector" end quote."

He heard how bitter he sounded but he just couldn't hide it. His whole life was coming crashing down and there was no need to pretend anymore. No need to play the strong man for Pam. Never, in any scenario had he imagined this outcome and he felt his frustration growing. He'd sacrificed both a job and another person's heart to be with her and this was how he was repaid? If he wasn't so shit scared he would have laughed at the absurdity of it all.

"Who?"

"Who what?"

"Who got the job?"

"Karen"

Pam felt her stomach tightened at the mention of her name. They hadn't talked about Karen since that ridicules trip Michael forced Jim on last fall. He'd been so down when he returned that she knew his run in with Karen had been exactly as painful as he could have imagined. There were still unresolved feelings of guilt there, but she had figured they would fade away with time. The sound of his voice told her that those feelings were still very much alive and active in his conscience.

"Ohh"

"Yeah... So you can imagine how exited I am about that"

"I'm sorry Jim"

Between clenched teeth he mumbled. "You should be."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing"

"I never asked you to turn it down Jim"

"You didn't? Hmm….I remember a certain confession on a beach three days before my interview and then a note in my sales report. I'm sorry that I didn't realise all that was just your way of urging me to move to New York"

"How dare you? How dare you throw that back in my face?"

Pam could feel her voice cracking. She tried to express anger, but she felt more hurt than angry. She knew what he gave up to be with her. She had tried very hard to make that up to him. She never thought he would use it against her. Not now, not after everything they'd been through. She stood up and walked out of the living room, considered leaving for a few seconds but continued into the bedroom while slamming the door shut behind her. She hit the bed and let out a cry that went straight through the thin walls and reminded Jim more of a wounded animal than anything he'd ever heard coming from her or anyone else before. It made him sick to his stomach.

He paced the living room floor. Dragged his hand through his hair over and over again. Why had he said that? He didn't even mean it. He never regretted turning down that job, he wasn't even sure he wanted it. When he called David to ask about it again, it had been more about the desire to be close to Pam than any desire he had to move up to corporate. Damn it. She was right. It wasn't fair to use that against her. It had been his choice. But he was angry and frustrated because his life started to resemble his worst nightmare, and for a second he had wanted to lash out, to hurt her. Judging by the sound she'd let out earlier he'd succeeded.

He walked over to the bedroom door and knocked.

"Pam, can I come in?"

When she didn't answer he slowly pushed down the handle and opened the door. She was on the bed, on her stomach, her head facing the opposite wall. He went over and sat down next to her. She wasn't looking at him. Her stare was constant on a spot on her night table. When he leaned in to capture her attention he noticed her glasses lying next to her. The ridge was broken, separating the two glass pieces.

"What happened to your glasses Pam?

"They're broken"

She looked so adorable and sad that he couldn't help but lower his voice and tease in a gentle tone.

"I can see that Pam. What happened?"

"I accidentally rolled over them and now I can't see"

"What about your contact lenses?"

"My eyes are too sore."

"oh…okay. Sorry.

"That's okay."

"I'm sorry about what I said Pam. I didn't mean it. I don't know what I was thinking"

"You're probably right. I did cause you to turn down that job. It's only fair that you're upset with me. I know you think I should sacrifice something too"

"No Pam, NO. In no way should you compare that job to what you would have to sacrifice by not going after your dreams. Working at the corporate office of a paper company was never a passion of mine. It's just a job Pam. And I have never regretted walking away from it."

"You sure?"

"Yes Pam. I'm sure. So sorry okay"

"okay"

She sat up and put his arms around him. It felt so good to be close to him again. The only reason she had slept at all last night was the constant knowledge that he was there. She wasn't sure how she was going to manage leaving him tonight. She could feel his hands tightening around her, to the point where it almost hurt a little. Her head was resting on his shoulder when she felt his lips on her ear, then her cheek and eventually her mouth. Her first instinct was to pull back because this would just make it all that much more difficult, but she wasn't able too. She could feel his hands under her t-shirt and a familiar desire caught fire somewhere deep in her pelvis.

He hadn't planned on this when he came into the bedroom. The last thing on his mind was sex, but there was something instinctual that took over the second he saw her lying there on the bed, so lost in their common misery. He wanted so desperately to connect with her again, if only through her body. At this point anything resembling normalcy would be the olive branch he so badly needed. He touched her where he knew he'd get the response he was looking for. When he heard hear moaning he gently pushed her down on the bed. He could feel her hands tearing into his t-shirt and in one swift motion he pulled it off. He was arguing with himself on whether to go fast or slow. His need to be one with her told him to tear of her clothes and chase that feeling at once, but the other part, the part that feared this might be his last chance to make love to her, told him to go slow, to savour every taste, every touch, every feeling.

There was something desperate and so heartbreaking in the way he made love to her. Unable to voice the words to convince her to stay it seemed like he poured every ounce of love and passion into his every touch, his every kiss. For a moment she thought they both transcended the pure physical act and it became something ethereal. Until that moment she never understood the supremacy of love. Faced with the reality and force of it she knew that she would never be able to leave unless he allowed her to go.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

After they'd made love they both felt asleep and when they woke up a few hours later none of them had known what to say or do. Jim seemed to be all out of comments at this point, and she wasn't sure how to open the sore again. While Jim took a shower she had taken the liberty to order some take-out which they ate mostly in silence while watching re-runs. When she was about to stand up to announce that she should get going Jim suddenly addressed her.

"So all you need is a little time?"

He didn't look at her, but kept staring at the tv-screen. She put down her plate and patted her mouth with a napkin before she slowly admitted.

"Sort of"

He seemed relived that she didn't shoot him down. That she was willing to back down a little on her previous stance. Lowering the sound he turned to her and grabbed her hands.

"I can give you that, no problem. We' don't have to get married right away. Let's say we just put it off for a year. No more talking about a wedding until you feel you have time"

"That's just it Jim. I don't want to do that."

"Do what?"

"Put it off for a year"

"Wait…what? Isn't that what you've been saying, that you need some time?"

"Yeah, but….I don't want to put a time frame on it."

"So you want to postpone it indefinitely?"

"Yes. Whatever is in front of me in New York, no matter how long it'll take, I want to do it"

"Okay. That's…okay."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll wait"

"I can't ask you to do that. What about your life, your job, your dreams? Are you gonna sit here in Scranton and wait for me for god knows how long?"

He looked at her, his eyes so tired, but yet so hopeful. She leaned in a little and put her hand on his leg. He sighed. It was barely audible.

"Are there any other alternatives?"

"What about what you want Jim? What are your dreams?

He felt a sharp rip go through his stomach. Didn't she know what he wanted, what he had always wanted? He couldn't sit there facing her bewildered expression; it was too much. It hurt him deeply that she didn't know him better, that she couldn't read it in his eyes. He walked over to the window, his back to her. When he quietly said "I want you" he wasn't sure if he said it to her, or himself, to God or the universe. When she didn't answer he turned around and looked into her confused eyes.

"I want you Pam. I dream about you. I want a life with you. I dream about that life ever night."

"That's it? That's all you want? You don't want anything beyond the two of us?"

The second she said it, she knew it had come out all wrong and she would have done anything to take it back. Jim's face stiffened, he clenched his jaws and when he spoke she knew this was as angry as she'd ever seen him.

"That's it?"

"How dare you? Just because I don't have the talent to be an artist doesn't mean my dreams…." He had to catch his breath; he heard how his voice grew angrier and louder by every syllable. "Just because I want a normal life, in a normal and safe place….damn it Pam…..doesn't mean my dream is less valuable or real than yours" His voice cracked again. She wasn't sure if it was from sadness or anger. She didn't like the expression on his face. It was unfamiliar, like she was unfamiliar to him suddenly.

"I'm sorry Jim, of course not. I didn't mean to put it like that. Of course your dream is as valuable as mine, of course. It's a great dream. I didn't mean to make it sound like it wasn't. I'm just……I guess what I was trying to ask was….." She looked at him. His jaw still clenched, his eyes searching hers for answers. "Haven't you ever wanted to be part of something extraordinary?"

He swallowed and walked over to the table. Took a sip of the beer bottle he'd been drinking earlier. Sat it down. She looked up at him thinking she might have gotten through to him. Maybe now he could see her point of view. His face didn't seem to reveal anger or sadness anymore. She could feel hope rising. There seemed to be no more tears, no more questions, and no more accusations. But then a voice she hardly recognized declared.

"I WAS part of something extraordinary"

THE END


End file.
